Maybe
by BlkRse
Summary: What did Sara keep telling herself when Grissom kept rejecting her? Songfic oneshot.GSR


**A/N: **_I felt compelled to write Sara angst to 'Maybe' by Kelly Clarkson._

**Disclaimer: **_I don't own anything_

_**I'm strong  
But I break  
I'm stubborn  
And I make plenty of mistakes  
Yeah I'm hard  
And life with me is never easy  
To figure out, to love  
I'm jaded but oh so lovely  
All you have to do is hold me  
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be  
If you'll trust me, love me, let me  
Maybe, maybe**_

Day in and day out, that was what Sara clung to. 'Maybe' became her mantra. _Maybe he'll make a move_. He didn't. _Maybe things will just fall into place. _When they didn't, she went back to 'maybe'. _Maybe I should make the first move._ Sara asked him out and he said no. She should have given up then. But 'maybe' wouldn't let her. _Maybe he just needs time._

So that's what she gave him: time. Lots of time. But she needed something else to keep her occupied. Sure, she did her job and she did it well. But she needed more. Applying for lead CSI only made sense. All she could do was hope that whatever was going on, or not going on, between herself and Grissom wouldn't be a factor. So she asked him. Sara was rather proud of herself for being so straight forward. But Grissom's reaction, or lack thereof, tore her up inside.

_He doesn't feel anything for me._

'Maybe' wasn't as strong as it had been before, but it was still there for Sara. Keeping her sane. She couldn't say the same for Grissom. The Debbie Marlin case had rocked Grissom to the core. Sara saw it. The team saw it. But why? If Sara hadn't been in P.D. when she was, she wouldn't have gotten her answer. Listening to Grissom's admission produced mixed emotions in Sara.

On one hand, Grissom cared for her. Knowing that fact alone, Sara was elated. On the other hand, Sara was even more depressed than before._ He couldn't risk his career for me._ But he cares… _I'm not worth the risk…_

'Maybe' wasn't going to keep Sara, at least not on its own. The addition of alcohol helped numb the pain but didn't make it go away. Oftentimes 'maybe' mixed with alcohol only made her feels worse. Sara would curse herself for loving this man. This man who was afraid to take what Sara was more than willing to give.

She dove into work headfirst. Sara would show Grissom that he wouldn't have to give up his career to be with her. All she needed to do was get the lead CSI position. That would take care of any complications. Advancing not only professionally, but personally, at least that's what she told herself.

But when Sara learned that Grissom recommended Nick and not her for the promotion, it stung both professionally and personally. _Doesn't he see how easy it could be? _

Apparently not. By this time Sara had completely turned her back on 'maybe'. Alcohol was her refuge now. And she hated it. Ironically, alcohol had led Sara back to Grissom. He had come to her rescue, so to speak. After further analysis, both by herself and a PEAP counselor, Sara had decided that 'maybe' was going to have to be enough. 'Maybe' and her job was all she had.

But even Sara's job wasn't holding her the way it used to. Certain cases would get under her skin and eat away at her. She no longer had the steady support of Nick and Warrick, her brothers, because of the shift changes. More responsibility was placed on Sara now that she was mentoring Greg. Sofia Curtis was getting quite friendly with Grissom, much to Sara's dismay. The argument with Catherine about the domestic abuse case was just the tip of the iceberg. Sara had a lot more lashing out to do.

Sara took the suspension in stride. Maybe she needed a break. Sara was just about to enjoy the first beer she's had in months when there was a knock on her door. And it was him. And all she could think about was how much his timing completely and utterly sucked. Grissom wanted to know what was wrong and she told him. Sara recited, word for word, what her PEAP counselor told her. But that wasn't the problem, at least not in this situation.

The case had gotten to Sara. Domestic cases always got to Sara. But the added stress from her surroundings and the case took Sara over the edge. She crossed the line with Catherine. Sara even acknowledged that. Grissom needed to know the source, and against her better judgment, she told him everything about her father's murder. Sara could always blame 'maybe' later.

_**Someday  
When we're at the same place  
When we're on the same road  
When it's okay to hold my hand  
Without feeling lost  
Without all the excuses  
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me  
Then maybe, maybe  
All you have to do is hold me  
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be  
If you'll trust me, love me, let me  
Maybe, maybe**_

Sadly, Grissom didn't hold Sara. And he had an excuse for holding her hand. _But he's here_. Both Sara and 'maybe' were fine with that for now. She was back to waiting. Sara didn't mind much. She would smile at him and he would smile back. There was an unspoken agreement between them. Sara and Grissom were getting their friendship back. They even flirted from time to time, but Sara knew better than to get her hopes up. 'Maybe' was holding strong.

But 'maybe' had become 'absolute certainty' after Sara was held captive by a serial rapist. The look on Grissom's face as he begged the security to open the door told Sara everything. He would die without her. It was so morbidly romantic. Grissom had asked her to breakfast after shift, but she declined. "Rain check." Sara called over her shoulder as she left the lab for home. She needed to sort some things out. Needed to rethink this 'maybe' business.

They were meant to be together, Sara was certain of that. What she wasn't sure of was if their time to be together was now. Right as she was beginning to dive in to the possibilities, there was a knock at her door. And it was him. Again, she couldn't help but think about how much his timing completely and utterly sucked. Sara let him in anyway. As soon as she closed the door, Grissom had engulfed her in a hug. He kept saying "I need you" over and over again.

_**I'm confusing as hell  
I'm north and south  
And I'll probably never have it all figured out  
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you  
And I promise I'll try  
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me  
Every single detail you missed with your eyes  
Then maybe  
Maybe, yeah maybe**_

Sara could have easily stayed in his strong arms. But 'maybe' worked both ways. _Maybe now is the time and maybe it isn't._ She pulled away from him. Sara was not about to walk in this blindly and she didn't want Grissom to either. So, they talked about it. They talked about everything. In the end, they decided to take things slow. That was all Sara could give of herself. _I will not rush into this just to get my heartbroken…again._

_**One day  
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely  
Every little bit  
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then**_

Taking things slow, however, was shot to hell after Nick was rescued from his Plexiglas coffin. After the long wait in the hospital to see Nick, Grissom followed Sara back to her place. They held each other on Sara's couch. But it wasn't enough, they needed more. There was no more 'maybe'. Now was their time. Sara stood from her couch and led Grissom to her bedroom. He followed without a word.

Neither Sara nor Grissom have ever felt that alive. They came, they saw and they conquered. And not in that order. Sleep was about to claim Sara when she heard Grissom whisper 'I love you' in her hair. She looked up at him and saw the sincerity written in his features.

_**I don't want to be tough  
And I don't want to be proud  
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found  
I'm not lost  
I need to be loved  
I just need to be loved  
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe  
That maybe, yeah maybe  
Maybe, yeah maybe**_

Sara cried tears of joy. Somehow they mustered up enough strength to make love again before falling asleep.

* * *

Sara dried off and looked in the mirror. Her hair was already beginning to curl from her shower. _He likes it curly._ Sara couldn't fight the grin that spread across her face.

_**I should know better than to touch the fire twice  
But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might**_

Here they were, a year after Nick's abduction. They had gone through a lot of drama to get where they were now. There were missed dates due to conflicting schedules, miscommunication, and plenty of arguments. Sara had gone so far as to throw a boot at Gil's head, nearly missing. But they had gotten through it all. Gil and Sara were each other's pillar of strength in hard times and they celebrated together in good times.

Sara could hear Gil's voice in the bedroom. **Their **bedroom. Brass' shooting had taken a toll on them all. It was worse on Gil, who had power of attorney over Brass. Now, he was talking about how he would like to die, something Sara didn't want to think about. Strangely enough, it had taken two near death experiences to bring them together. One of which had been Sara's own. Morbidly romantic.

_**Maybe, love maybe **_

"I'm not ready to say goodbye yet."


End file.
